I had a very interesting conversation with a male client of mine. We were discussing his challenges with his relationship. He told me that in his men’s circle (peer group), the common idea they have, is that they just want their spouse to accept them for who they are. They don’t want to be told what to do or how to do it; they just want to be accepted for who they are.
I asked him if he loves himself for who he really is? Perhaps his real challenge was his own self image. Did he truly accept himself, with his strengths and weaknesses?
Did his self-image include his yin/yang, his light and dark sides, his strengths and weaknesses? In his mind, was he instead supposed to be some kind of superhero without flaws, who therefore did not need any feedback on what he is doing? Was he holding a realistic image of himself or some super hero fantasy?
Working together, we saw that he did have the subconscious belief that as a man, he ‘should’ be super powerful and capable so that he could dominate the relationship. Consciously he did not want to dominate but subconsciously and culturally, he was supposed to be the dominant one. Therefore, whenever his spouse would ask for something that needed to be done or that he had overlooked… it meant that he was being criticized. It meant that he was not a dominant man, so he felt ‘attacked’ instead of seeing it as normal feedback between equals. Subconsciously, he felt that as a man, if he did not dominate, he would be weak and his spouse would leave him.
I think that as women it is easier to accept that we have both light and dark sides, strength and weaknesses. Why? Because it’s culturally accepted; we are not less of a woman if we have ‘weaknesses’. In contrast, in many cultures, you are less of a man if you have or show ‘weaknesses’.
I think that subconsciously as women, we are more comfortable accepting feedback or demands as it does not mean that we are less if we are shown what to do. One exception to this is when it comes to physical beauty or how to raise our children, as that targets what historically has made us ‘real women.’
For women, when we give feedback to our man and he does not follow it, we end up feeling that “he is a weakling or stupid” and that we will need to do “everything by ourselves.” This starts to create tension and challenges in relationships because her tone of voice changes. She sounds irritated when she asks something of her husband because “she knows” he will not do what needs to be done! That tone then kicks in his desire to stand his ground and avoid being dominated by her, which in his mind makes him less of a man. And…if he’s not a real man…she will leave him!
I think this is an amazing pattern that many of us get caught in and it creates romantic challenges.
What can we do about this? I’ll share some tips in my next article: Men Just Want to Be Accepted for Who They Are! Part 2.
In the mean time, we welcome your comments. Tell us if you’ve had similar experiences.
Love & Light,
Dr Lise Janelle, DC
28 Comments
I am looking forward to hearing about how to stop the progression of this pattern.
How can a relationship evolve without some types of criticism?
Do men genuinely want us to be passive participants, mute lovers like women of old? I don’t want to believe that.
I want to be myself. I want to allow my partner to be himself but, I also want to be able to give feedback to my partner without him becoming defensive, angry or resistent. Mostly, when I do provide feedback it’s given out of genuine concern and love for my partner. How do I get that across while still stating my opinions and providing support?
Men dont like criticism, I cheat on all women who criticise mee.
The reason most people are in unhappy relationships is because they want to be their life coaches rather than their partners. Your partner is human and is entilled to make his own mistakes and learn from them. what you are actually trying to do is to protect him from making mistakes, which inturn means you trying to polish him into a perfect somebody with no faults. which is impossible, the fact that you are not perfect yourself will always create problems in your relationship. the sooner you acceot that, the better for you. you should get a book called “fascinating womenwood by Hellen Andelin”
[…] They Are! Part 2 Dr. Lise & Heart Living — 21 September 2012 This is the follow-up to “Men just want to be accepted for who they are!”, which was the most read article of any other I have […]
Interesting. I was wondering–this feedback–i assume it may come in a variety of formats and approaches. WOuld one variety be a constant barrage of “feedback” picking at pretty much every last thing a man does in his day to day life from how he takes out the garbage to how badly he parents his children? Just a question as to the definition of “feedback” and the difference between your definition that and psychological abuse…or is it that we, as men, should be constantly mutating to respond to the “feedback” we get until the ultimate goal–your partner being in complete control of your life has achieved? My ex-father in law gets all kind of that feedback and has his entire life. He spends his days watching television with headphones on-(when he is n’t being castigated into doing the work around the house my ex-MIL feels is necessary. And of course, regardless of the work done–there is always room for her particular brand of “feedback.” He is, without a doubt, the most harmless, mild and meek man I’ve ever met–I really, really like that man. To all appearances it seems to work for them. Except for the literal handful of blood pressure meds he has to take on a daily basis. THat and the surprising amount of time he spends on his boat well away from his loving partner. Are you actually sure that the support you are trying to provide is genuine? Or is it the equivalent of your mate–oh–suggesting you might want to lose weight because he is genuinely concerned with your health…m’just wondering.
From my experience working with couples, if the woman ‘keeps on giving feedback’, she is really trying to get her partner to pay attention and connect. The more the man ignores her, the more the woman keeps on giving ‘feedback’, because…she is not being heard/loved. There lays the challenge. Most fights in relationships happen when the partners feel they will never be loved the way they want to be loved.
Underneath the anger and frustration there is despair and sorrow. The wife feels that nobody is there to help her and/or connect with her and see her needs. The man feels like he will never be appreciated and loved for what he does. Both need to see that the fact that their partner is not doing things exactly the way they are expecting does not mean their partner doesn’t love them. Both need to learn to compromise when it really matters.
What the couple we are referring to needs to learn is “to communicate”. There are no victims in relationships but often people are afraid of speaking up in fear of losing love. The more self worth we have the more we are willing to really engage in a relationship and share of ourselves and love our partner. Of course we don’t need ALL of our needs to be met to feel ware are loved but we do want to feel acknowledged.. If after learning to communicate well they realize that their fundamental values and needs cannot be met, the couple needs to split. Often people get married before they know who they are, know their values and needs and what love is really all about. With this in mind, couples need space to growth, make ‘mistakes’ and from them. Communication given with love and respect for self and the partner brings resolution and deeper trust, understanding and love. It can be challenging, but when that challenge is ignored it just keeps creating a deeper gap.
I welcome your comments Rocket. I agree; NO GUY wants to be constantly ‘ragged’ on.
Dear Dr. Lise,
You seem to “diagnose” this client’s insecurities as innate and simply ‘male’ – i.e. as something al men, more or less (except, maybe, those who gave up or were born without male ‘gender’ development – here in its proper meaning as ‘behavior’).
Have you ever considered the possibility that these insecurities, as a good number of other traits, might be not genetically predestined but rather developed through childhood or youth experiences?
A strong mother figure -not necessarily dominant- can imply on a girl a sense of strength – on a boy the opposite. In the extreme – well, consequemces can be very extreme. I don’t wish to go into that, but I wonder: Letting this man discover “the woman in him” would not necessarily comfort him – strenngthening his manhood, his confidence that being a man is -contrary to some feminists- not a crime but something as good and equal to a woman. Many men suffer from such low self-esteem due to the permanent derogation in media, films, and social context, but motherly/fatherly strength or neglect/absence is the strongest cause of low self-experience and esteem.
Dear Dr Boost
Thanks for your comment!
I am in total agreement that events from the past have an impact on both male and female. My blog is a comment on what I have heard many men tell me. One of my clients who is part of a men’s group actually brought this to my attention. He told me that in his men’s group, this was something that was often talked about.
There are certain patterns created as we grow up that are shaped by culture, rank in family order, emotional availability etc. And… in a society where most of the time the mother was at home and the father was out in the world to work, certain beliefs about what it means to be a woman or a man are shaped.
At the core, I know that both men and women want to be loved and appreciated for who we are. All of us need to learn to take responsibility for our emotions and reactions and learn to communicate in a way that fosters respect for self and others.
One thing that I want to advise most women is that , when you really see that the man does not love, there is no need fro you to force matters and keep on bearing kids with that person thinking that he will stay. At the end of the day because most of the men of today, they are scared of responsibilities and committment.
My advise is that women lets just accept the truth and reality if the man does not love you. You just need to move and in the near future you will meet Mr Right. I strongly believe that each and every individual men and women have someone out there in world that will love you and accept you the way you are.
So lets take the pride of being women, we are a unique creatures, we must not force the Horse to drink water if he does not want. At the end of the day if someone loves you he will never give you headaches everything you do will be smooth, yes challenges are there but when you love each you will be able to compromise.
Thank you and God bless you all
“At the end of the day because most of the men of today, they are scared of responsibilities and committment.”
Hardly, that’s just more feminist garbage.Men are anything but scared of responsibilities and commitment. We see no gain in feeding this rotten beast you have created. Why would I marry a product of feminist indoctrination that teaches males are inferior and woman is never wrong or abusive ( fact is 50% of reported domestic violence the woman is the perp and although I can’t remember the exact percentage,, women typically start the physical altercation and the man responds to it. Guess who goes to jail)? Why would I marry one of these ‘things’ you’ve created knowing that at the first sign of a hard time your special ‘princess’ is going to bolt, getting the children, house, and more than half of what we’ve earned? I would suggest you look at some real data. Here’s another one making the rounds, chivalry. We now see article after article of astonished women lamenting the fact that men just aren’t very chivalrous anymore. Of course the conclusion is always, the fault of the men, (because after all, women can never be wrong, the feminist indoctrination said so). If women would do some actual introspection you might realize why you can’t seem to find Mr. Right. He’s either uninterested in feeding your ego, enhancing your portfolio, or has moved on to women of different cultures who are still feminine ( ladylike).
“At the end of the day if someone loves you he will never give you headaches everything you do will be smooth, yes challenges are there but when you love each you will be able to compromise.”
Never give you headaches? Everything you do will be smooth? The only thing of value I see here is that you say compromise.
“So lets take the pride of being women, we are a unique creatures” Women are not unique. Women are a dime a dozen and easy to bed.Not much to be proud of there. Ladies are unique, loving, beautiful ( on the inside and quite a few come in a very nice package), generous, strong, sincere,appreciative, feminine creatures that men adore and willingly sacrifice for. When we first married, my Lady only had to ASK me to put the toilet seat down once.( She did not demand) She didn’t assume that I was stupid, she assumed that I didn’t know to, ( She was correct, why would I). When there is something she wishes to discuss, she approaches me in a respectful manner (as I do her) and we discuss it. She does not produce a list of grievances and demands, nor do I.
I dont believe in Mr Right or Mr Wrong, i believe that we dont meet people in our life mistakenly, Firstly relationships are hardwork, but most of all the all start very promising and positively, i guess that is the reason why people hang on even if everything seems to be no longer going right, secondly we need to first understand ourselves, know what you want and know what you can keep up with, then take time to get to learn more about the person you involve with. the biggest mistake we as women normally do, is to be involved with a person you dont know or dont even bother yourself to find out more about the person, we just being carried by emotions and we think everything will remain the same, in a honey moon stage.
that’s the reason why most of our relationships faces challenges when there is a challenge or an affair is taking a different turn.
thirdly i begging everyone involve in a relationship to be patient, respectful, listening unconditionally and be willing to compromise.
the love is always there for your man, however life challenges makes it to fade away, because were are impatient, unwilling to listen, when a man relates the problem, a woman already has her own preconsived ideas, and that result in lack of respect.
fourthy please ladies dont want to change your man, change will come eventually with perserverence, hang on there, sometimes its not easy but hang on.
“most of the men of today are scared of responsibility and commitment?”, where do you get your facts from? it’s ironic they you regard yourself and all women as unique creatures, yet you refer to men in broad sweeping and ignorant platitudes.
In fact, my post does not include the words in quotation that your comment was based on. Perhaps you are referring to another.
In fact, my blog does not include the statement in quotations to which your responded. Perhaps you were referring to another.
Well let’s see here,another article reinforcing the belief that the male is defective, stupid and lazy and the female is always industrious, intelligent and correct.(imagine that, haven’t heard that for the last 30 years). So, the female just needs to employ another little ‘trick’ to train the stupid male to do what she wants, like a pet really. Yeah, males aren’t as stupid as you might like to imagine. I would bet only women wonder why your daughters are getting pumped and dumped. I’ll give you a clue, the stupid males know what utter garbage you’ve been trying to indoctrinate them with and have decided to quit playing the game by your rules. The gullible females keep reading this type of tripe ( which is everywhere) and believe that this new ‘trick’ will be the one that gets the stupid male trained. How about this instead, rather than trying to employ ‘tricks’ how about if you start teaching your daughters to be feminine (ladies rather than these bar wenches that are so prevalent, loud, obnoxious, controlling,narcissistic, self absorbed things).
Women tend to behave motherly in most instances. When I just need someone to listen, please just listen and do not offer any suggestions, advice or help unless you know I am asking. After 20 years, you know. You will help just being a good listener.
“he will not do what needs to be done!”
Who says it “needs to be done”?
Article full of assumptions about men.
Yes True, this article seems to be misleading about men.
I don’t know what all this navel-gazing is supposed to prove. At 73 and having had three wives (the last for almost 40 years) I can safely say two things;
1) Women don’t marry a man for what he is, but what they think they can make him (according to their choices).
2) When the money runs out, so does the thing called ‘love’ (very quickly).
I could add that women are natural-born critics and indeed bullies, but I think that is covered in Point 1.
Unlike my younger days a man can now get everything he wants without getting married and tying himself to another’s desires. I also believe this is true of most women.
It really is that simple.
Nah, you aren’t bitter…perhaps you were not looking for the right type of woman, enjoyed what you thought you wanted, then realized they were exactly the type of person you wanted to become disilusioned with…Just sayin”.
Its always about the woman and her wants and needs. Stay single live longer.
I find this article very informative and getting opinions and views from both sexes makes it even better. I must admit we women can be the bullies sometimes and unappreciative, from now on I will start to appreciate my husband and focus more on the positive things that he does instead of looking for faults and nagging. Yes, challenges will always be there and they can be changed into opportunities if you face them together and they can even bring you closer together if you tackle them with an open mind.
Thanks guyz and wish you all the best in your relationships.
[…] Source: Eligible Magazine […]
In fact, my post does not include the statement you quoted. Perhaps you are referring to something else you read.
[…] Contrary to popular belief men don’t want to fight, or at least most men I have ever socialised with ever. At the core men just want to have a care free life and be accepted by other people. […]