Your wife or girlfriend tells you that she has a fantasy of being with 2 guys. How do you handle it?
I’m sure there are some extreme readers of the Allman Report who would say, “Hells yeah, call up my buddy Mike!” or on the other end, “Break up with that whore immediately!”
But for most of us, this would raise some questions about what the heck to do about that announcement.
Now understand, MOST women are likely to at least have this as a fantasy once in a while, and if she’s telling you about it, GREAT NEWS: It means you’ve done a GREAT JOB of creating a relationship where your woman feels comfortable sharing the full range of her sexual desires with you.
Here’s one reader who deserves credit for creating that kind of relationship with his woman:
Hey Alex,
Just had my girl tell me that she had a really sexual dream of being with
two guys for the first time. She said it was real hot. We’ve had threesomes
with girls before, but not a guy.
Alex I’m totally uncomfortable and would NOT want to do this with her. It
may be hot to think about as a fantasy but god I wouldn’t want that to
happen. I have anxiety about what things that could lead to. BUT I also
know I shouldn’t ever judge a women’s fantasy. I know the reason she felt
okay telling me is that I’ve created a safe relationship where she can let
her dirtiest fantasies out.
But what now? She asked if I’d ever be comfortable with that. I told her it
was hot and that I wasn’t sure, maybe, but who knows how it’d be in real
life.
How do I tell her it’s not something I would be okay with, without making
her feel like she can’t express her inner dirty desires to me? This has
made me feeling real insecure for some reason (and I’m normally very secure
with sexuality and exploring things)
Thanks for the advice
I’m going to go into some detail here, but the big-picture, important advice that you NEED TO GET in this situation comes from that wise sage, Butthead: “Settle down, Beavis.”
Obviously this situation is causing you some anxiety, and most men would certainly feel the same way. So let’s dig in…
First, take a deep breath and fill up with all the good news here:
1) You’ve got a woman so sexually open with you that she’s willing to invite other women into your bed. Only a small percentage of men manage this despite the fact that the vast majority of women have bisexual fantasies and many (not all, obviously!) secretly wish their man would take charge and make it happen.
2) You’ve got her so impressed by your own level of sexual confidence that she’s unafraid to bring up the most taboo subject of all to a man: inviting another MAN into your bed.
That’s a huge vote of confidence in your confidence!
3) You didn’t freak out and shut her down and make her feel bad, wrong, or slut-shame her for having a fantasy.
In other words, you are the real deal my friend. A confident man, and obviously a great lover for your woman. So…
YOU DON’T NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A HUMAN.
To the degree that you are down on yourself for being a bit freaked out about another man entering your woman’s holiest of holies, you feel a sense of shame. And shame is the enemy here.
But after all, she’s confident enough to bring other attractive women in, so you have some evidence to back up your shame around your discomfort which is why you’re talking to me about this instead of her.
Now, remember Butthead’s wisdom? Settle down, have courage, and here’s a step-by-step on how to handle this:
1) Great news. You already did the first thing right! But for all the guys following along it’s: Do NOT shame her for her desires.
The second a woman sniffs a tiny hint of you shaming her for having sexual desires, she will share them with her vibrator, her best friends, and possibly the man she is having an affair with… but never again with YOU.
Women, much like men, turn out to be human. And part of the human condition is having all sorts of deep, powerful, and often really kinky sexual desires and cravings.
2) Don’t assume that just because she has a fantasy, that she NEEDS to (or even WANTS to) live it out in real life.
I have had many fantasies about fighting a dual with razor-sharp swords with some bad guy that is terrorizing a group of damsels in distress. In my fantasy, by the way, I always win with stunning skill and grace.
Do I really want a guy swinging sharpened steel at me? Hell no.
Sexually speaking, most men, myself included, have indulged in fantasies ranging from the immoral to the absolutely illegal, and most of us don’t want to act them in real life, and we certainly don’t NEED to act them out in real life.
Now, in your case, it sounds like your girlfriend wants to try this out in real life. But I assure you, she doesn’t NEED to, and if you stay cool, she’s not going to be disappointed, leave, cheat, think you’re a big pussy, or anything like that.
(And you have my personal guarantee on that) because…
3) You can still enjoy this kind of thing as a fantasy.
If she wants to play, then PLAY.
You can buy a life-like dildo, and if you shut the lights off there are all kinds of creative ways that you and your toy can “double-team” your girl that you will both enjoy.
You can also become different men for her by taking on different persona’s while sexing her. Try tying her wrists and blind-folding her and then having a large group of very different men take turns having their way with her (all of them actually you, of course).
I’m pretty sure she’ll love it and almost certainly would NOT love having a train run on her in real life. Some things are just better in fantasy, like my sword fight.
But what if she wants more?
4) Look, first of all, before you can have a clean conversation with her about it, you’ve got to get it clean with YOUR SELF.
Why aren’t you okay with bringing in another man?
Let me guess:
There’s a biological imperative wired into your male DNA that no other man can touch your woman?
You’re afraid of losing her?
You’re afraid he’ll have a bigger dick? A harder dick? Fuck her harder? That she’ll like it better and fantasize about him afterwards?
That another man in the room will be so anxiety producing that you won’t be able to get it up and you’ll stand their helplessly with your limp penis in your hand while the guy you brought home together pounds your woman into a frenzy of animalistic orgasms?
Sorry, I know it’s tough to think about, but all of us men have this wiring, and to the degree that we hide from it, it controls us as shame.
But to the degree that you can look at and say, “Yep, here’s where my fear and discomfort are, and I’m cool with that. I’m perfect as I am, it’s okay to be a human with human fears.” Then you are the master. You know your limits (bullets won’t bounce off your chest like superman either), and that’s okay.
Sit inside of those feelings of fear and inadequacy, examine the worst thing that could happen and realize you’d live through it. I’m saying you’ll like it. I’m saying you’d live through it.
Once you can be okay with your self and not feel shame around it, you can have a matter-of-fact conversation with your girl and explain what you are willing… and what you are NOT willing to do in comfortable way.
When you both have an understanding of where your fears come from, and recognize your desire to grow past your fears (which does not necessarily mean that you will EVER want to bring in another guy), then she won’t want to bring a guy in either.
She may still fantasize about it and desire it, but she won’t want to do it in real life because she’ll be clear that she’s got the better end of the deal already. She’ll respect your limits without feeling like she’s giving anything up.
Some day, perhaps because of her clear choice to respect your limits as a man, and your own desire to face your fears, you both might cross that line together. Or maybe you won’t. The mature thing for your relationship is that you’re both okay with not knowing the answer to that question.
5) But what about the fact that she’s bringing in women? Isn’t it unfair?
No it’s not.
First of all, men and women are different. Women’s deep insecurities lie in different locations and there are differences in the way we are biologically wired.
That’s even more true of us as individuals. Some folks are just more comfortable as swingers. Just because she’s wired to be okay with it, doesn’t mean that you have to be, and vice-versa.
Second, and this really is important, though you didn’t mention it, I’d wager quite a bit of cash that your girl likes girls.
Which is to say, you’re BOTH enjoying bringing that girl in and you are sharing her together.
And I’m also willing to wager a bunch of cash that YOU are not bisexual, and you don’t like boys (sexually). So if you brought a guy in, you would not be sharing him together.
This is a pretty significant difference. And while plenty of straight men can enjoy a MMF threesome, it often becomes competitive and weird, and the odds of the vibe becoming negative are much higher than for a MFF threesome.
Now, do these steps in order and you’re fine. Do these in reverse order and logically explain to her that two dudes is bad and two girls is good, and you will make her feel judged.
But if you do these in order, and do YOUR WORK FIRST, and get clear, COMFORTABLE, and unafraid and unashamed of being a human with human limitations, then she’ll completely understand this conversation.
And lastly, I gotta put in a shameless pitch here because cock-confidence really is so relevant to this conversation, and because it’s brand new and I’m just super proud of it.
If you have anxiety around the idea of your woman being with other men (especially if you find yourself wondering about her ex-boyfriends). If you ever wonder if she wishes you were bigger, harder, thicker, longer, longer-lasting, and you’ve got some inner issues with your cock-confidence…Then your whole life is going to be a whole lot better, more relaxed, confident, and happier if you watch this video and grab your copy of Unleash The Beast. You’ll never have to wonder again if your woman secretly wishes for some well-hung ex or a guy who can do her better than you.
If you’re on the fence, do it for her. She deserves the confident man that is locked up inside of you.
For Passion,
Alex
Alex Allman is the author of the best selling REVOLUTIONARY SEX programs for enhancing sexual pleasure, creating deeper intimacy and communication, and deepening sexual confidence.Since 1993 he has been studying and refining his heart-centered theories on sexuality and relationships.Through his writing, lectures, videos, and public appearances, he has helped tens of thousands of men, women, and couples achieve greater confidence, intimacy, relationship health, and love.
15 Comments
[…] If you want more of advice on threesomes, click here. […]
Thank you for the wonderful advice.
Mine is almost similar to Alex. My wife woke up one day and told me she had a dream the last night about a threesome. Now while I thought the same thing most guys might which was a FFM she continued to say it was with me and another guy. I gave a short gulp to the thought because in the past if she had a dream about it the way I had thought she would hit me and say I needed to apologize for sleeping with another girl in her dream. But the gulp was more just shock then anything, because she has always said 3somes were just wrong. With this all being said I will go back a space and give a small story with this as well. My wife and I have been married for 10 years now and the marriage has been rocky which is the thing that makes this a bit harder. We are high school sweet hearts and right after we got married I joined the service and have been in the military since. When we started dating I found out that I was her first in almost everything (kiss, sexy oral, ect.) Which I honestly could not say the same. Needless to say I am stronger then most men are because I was her first, BUT, I was not the last I deployed to Iraq twice and both times had to come home on emergency leave to deal with relation ship issues. The first deployment she was with another service member who she went to highschool with along with several sexual online video relationships as well as phone sex with a now ex best friend. The second deployment I had another guy who was also a service member that she knew from highschool living at my house for a period of time who got stuck at my house because he didn’t make it to has plane and got kicked out for going AWOL. From that one I sent her back to our home town and after I finished the deployment kept her there. After our son completed the school year there they came back to live with me only to find out she slept with another man who gave her and subsequently me an STD(clymidia) which we both got rid ofimmedieatly. We are still together and even though it has been emotionally rocky for the last 7 years we are doing a lot better. About a year after the last time we were talking about everything that had happened and I told her that I couldn’t bare the thought of her cheating again but if she ever wanted to be with another man again I would be down for watching and possibly participating which she didn’t say much to. I think at the time it kinda scared her. But to be honest with all that being said I think it would be kind of a nice turn on and a new thing to spice up are sex life since we are hitting a bit of a rut. So for my part I am down with trying out her dream, however it has bothered me since she said it that she may try to find someone on the side behind my back because of our rut. The last part is when she talked about her dream I told her that we could try it jokingly only because I was still shocked by the whole thing that if we did that then maybe we could try a FMF as well. To this, which was the most shocking part of it all she said “I think I could try kissing another girl for you.” Which coming from her who said that girl on girl even kissing in a movie makes her wrench which Just blew my mind completely. After she said that I kinda killed the conversation by moving on to other things. However I will admit I probably did the wrong thing since then I have brought it up jokingly since then which after Reading everything you wrote that that was probably the wrong thing to do because she was comfortable enough to to talk to me about her 3somes dream. I plan on going home and apologizing to her on that to hopefully talk more to her on the whole thing. My concern and the reason I am posting this is. Is this something that we could try or is this something we should just stay away from. Don’t get me wrong I figure if we do go there that we would lay some ground rules for it and make sure we are both on the same page before we get into it. But I will say the fear of her enjoying it scares me because she was almost ready to run off with the guy that lived at my house during my second deployment. I still have my voyeuristic/cuckold fantasy of her being ravaged by another man/men if she just wants me to watch a single time or 2.
Thank you again on any advice you may have
I hope all is well for you but honestly a girl that cheats on you while your away on duty serving your country is absolutly no good! Never will be. The ultimate betrayal. End it to save future heartache.
I enjoyed the article, I have a different situation at hand that , I m a bisexual man, my wife is also bisexual, we have never played together with our partners, we have been talking about different scenarios and had decided to try and find a bi couple so we could at least play same room same sex no swapping, lol, finding a couple that was interested in that was impossible to find, we decided to just take a break from the bi thing for a while, several months later we are at today, she has asked me if I still want her involved in my bisexual activities, I have said yes, now the problem, she has left it up to me to set her boundaries, meaning that what ever I set and she is comfortable with she is allowed to do, from just watching to full on threesome, her bi side is off the table and she is not playing at this point so it’s not a matter of she’ll share and I’ll share,
Now I’ve definitely had my fair share of fantasy about involving her and the different fun we could have, but like you say in your article, I’m struggling with another man being with her, even in asking her what she wants or would do she just says to set what I’m comfortable with and she will stay within that boundary, I kinda feel trapped and really don’t know what to do……
“But what about the fact that she’s bringing in women? Isn’t it unfair?
No it’s not.
First of all, men and women are different. Women’s deep insecurities lie in different locations and there are differences in the way we are biologically wired.”
LOL. Then the boyfriend should man up and allow the girlfriend to pursue MMF threesomes outside of the relationship. No one should have to put their fantasies/kinks/fetishes on hold because of a partner. Life is too damn short for that. And a mature partner wouldn’t want you to do that either.
You must not have a relationship that is dear to you. A relationship where you love your partner is sacred, that being said there is a level of respect needed for it to work on both ends. I could say to my fiance hey I just had sex with some woman I met at the store. Her response would be, well I wouldn’t have my fiance I’ve spent 10 years loving and working with.
This article is excellent and I luckily did all of these things before i even read this but my god is this accurate. My fiance wanted to add another man and I asked if she was sure and told her if she really wants to then let’s go for it. My guess is she saw the confidence and she decided it can stay a fantasy and she’ll use those thoughts about it with me, that’s what adding toys is for.
Hello,
Am JBlzzz
I need advice, in this case. my girlfriend I plan marriage with to be the mother of my children.. called me one morning and said “I can’t continue with this relationship” is as good as over nothing will make it work again and that we should go our separate ways.
I press to know what happened, she said the fault is hers’.
this is what she did.
She invited a guy over to her place without my prior knowledge, I called that very day she didn’t tell me, even when the guy was on the way…
finally, she said while at night that the guy forced her and had sex with her…
Please, I don’t know what else to do….
advice please..
thanks
Best regards
Honestly if you can’t be fair and share with a guy you shouldn’t share with a girl. That’s it. I would be so horrified and insulted by you I would break it off immediately. Yup. Nope. It’s easier to find a threesome with two guys without you apparently.
I don’t think this is based on confidence
First of u who wrote this article clearly never ever been in love . U don’t know what is to connect with someone on a deep emotional level . U don’t know how important it is to keep ur sexual life alive without even let her fantasies about an other penis .
U watching to much porn that’s why u think this is ok . When ever ur girl ask u for an other man means that she don’t respect u anymore and she’s not afraid to tell u .
What she saying basically is : I’m bored from ur small cock I need an other to feel fucked again good and while I get fucked I will suck u just so u don’t get sad .
You are the man Robert! More men need to say no to this messed up depravity. It’s not ok for a woman to throw away all your hard work, time, money, energy, etc in the relationship to fulfill her selfish depraved hedonism. I wish more people would see this too:
“The second a woman sniffs a tiny hint of you shaming her for having sexual desires, she will share them with her vibrator, her best friends, and possibly the man she is having an affair with… but never again with YOU.”
If she needs tools when you’re not disabled there is an issue in the relationship. Sex toys will eventually graduate to infidelity. But nobody calls it like it is. If a guy were to tell his girl that her vagina was no longer sufficient that he needed porn or a fleshlight there would be hell to pay.
What’s really going on in society today is guys like this author just want to sleep with your wife. As you said he has never loved he sees sex as gratification for himself. He’s willing to destroy relationships to get it. He’s playing the “check your male ego” so he can swoop in.
This generation is lost. I am so looking forward to the return of Jesus Christ.
Thats exactly how i feel about my wife asking for a mmf 3 some
I have slightly different situation: my gf wants me to watch her having sex. how to understand it? has she desires to humiliate me? because it’s not just if she can fuck someone on the side, or threesome with me as part of it, but just only watching.
First off stop having sex out of marriage. Secondly run! You don’t need this BS she found on a porno. You have feelings and this crap is just that crap. Kick her butt to the curb.
It is exactly as Robert said.
This is not some “confidence” crap or whatever she sees in you.
If she wants to bring another man in the bedroom it means indeed that she does not love you and she does not respect you either.
I have had a good deal of girlfriends over the past years. Only the ones that wanted a threesome were cheaters. They lacked true love and they were too selfish. I have also talked to many women about this topic and ALL of them admit that if a woman wants another man in the bed she does not love you. Who knew?
Also, imagine this: if you never knew what is a threesome and never watched it on tv/net either and your woman asks to bring another man in the bedroom, what would you think of her?
That is right.
Even if you do not agree with the above and say bla bla “You are wrong! We have openess, confidence, trust, being honest. What’s the prob with a threesome?”
Consider this:
If you told her to bring another woman in the bedroom, what would she think of you? Would she like it? Or would she be “Nope”.
That is right!
Of course all the cuckolds are exempt from what I said above as that would be their fantasy.
As for the ones that have been cheated before and now settle for a threesome, they should not fool themselves that if she does it in front if you she does it due to mutual understanding. She is just doing it so you do not bitch about it and she does not have to feel guilty.
You are a fool and she already thinks of you as lower than garbage.
If you do not believe all the above stuff I said, just talk with some women. You will see that women are different and think differently than men.
So, do not get caught off guard.
I enjoyed this article but me and my wife have been together for 7 years and have talked about having a 3some with another woman numerous time just havent found a girl she is ok with sharing with me and she just recently cheated on me with a friend from work… Well we worked things out and one night while we were having sex she states to me she wanted to have a 3 some with another man….. I was kinda floored considering she slept with this guyvwhile i was at work.. So her asking for tjat was kinda unexpected and hurtful. On top of that she has told me the guyvwas bigger but not better than me… I need help figuring out how to feel about this all and how to respond