Dear Dr. Paulette,
I’ve been dating for a few years. I’ve done the dating apps and regularly go on dates. Sometimes dating turns into a relationship lasting up to 5 months but inevitably it doesn’t work out. Plus, online I deal with dating frustrations like people ghosting or rejecting me after 2-3 dates without knowing why. My question is: How do I raise my dating morale? I feel like I’m going on dates with some dread now and certainly a lack of enthusiasm that may come across. Any tips re how to shift my energy so it’s more positive on dates?
Signed,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
How you’re feeling is very common. Dating is very much an up and down process full of rejection. It can be hard on your self-esteem. It’s challenging to maintain a hopeful attitude about finding love and it’s very easy to feel jaded and to start to be protective about your energy, time and heart. But, we all know that your energy can attract or repel
I can offer some tips that have helped clients in the past.
- It can help to keep your focus on your positive larger goal and the end result that you want. This can move you forward and help you to embody those good feelings about love and relationships in the present. Some people create a vision board to connect them with the feelings of being in a supportive relationship, so they know it is possible every time they look at it. This reminds them why it is worth it to keep taking action, making it feel palpable and possible.
- Another thing you can do is to add in things you love to do to offset the chore of dating. This way you have a balance of seeing friends, taking a class, engaging in a hobby that makes you happy and maybe going to the gym or yoga. This way, dating or the outcome of your dates each week is not your full focus.
- Some singles like to mix up ‘in person’ social events with regular people in addition to using the dating apps. They report that it makes them feel better about people to see them in regular social settings versus some of the odd behaviors that often go along with the dating apps because the latter sometimes makes them question the character of humanity. So, mix it up and have fun at gatherings, parties and events as well.
- It can help to do a pre-date ritual to get in a positive mood before each date. You can check your negative thinking at the door and meditate, take a bath or listen to some upbeat music. In my book, ‘The Book of Sacred Baths,’‘ published by Llewellyn I have many dating bath rituals that will help you to relax, center, lift your mood and help you to visualize your date going well.
- Lastly, it can help to make a list of the things that make you a great catch, on a notecard. Often we mentally rehearse the reasons a date won’t like us or will treat us badly. Do the opposite. Imagine why your date will love you and all the things you might enjoy about it so that you’ll exude self-love and confidence, which is very attractive.
- Also, be kind to yourself. Affirm and console yourself after a bad date. Buy yourself flowers or get yourself a gift for keeping the faith and always remind yourself how loveable you are.
- You can tell yourself it takes many no’s to get to a yes and recall famous books that were rejected over 30 times before they were published to become a best-seller. It can be the same process for finding, ‘the One.’
I hope this helps.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
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