Why Do You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Lovers?

When it comes to romantic relationships, we so often become emotional, meaning irrational, even if we know, deep down, that someone is not for us we go for them anyway.

Why, you wonder?

From experience coaching my clients, most people deep down are afraid of either being in love or not being able to have a loving relationship. And most people confuse their emotions for love, but love is not an emotion. Love is steady while emotions are not. You can be angry (emotion) at someone you love and still know that you love them. Love is like the sun and our emotions are like the clouds. Even on a cloudy day the sun is always behind the clouds. Also, love is not selfish; it is not only about what you can get from someone it is very much about what you can give to someone you love.

What we call ‘being in love’ most often is not love but infatuation, which is a very powerful emotion. Infatuation feels so good that we want to believe it’s love but it is not love. It is what we feel when we first meet someone whom we put on a pedestal, someone we do not really know yet, but imagine we cannot live without. And most of these experiences, even though they are very exciting as they take you on a roller coaster ride, never mature into a consciously loving relationship. On top of that they often really hurt when they end… and make you afraid of ‘falling in love’, which is really about being afraid of falling infatuation.

I wrote all about how love should feel safe in one of my previous blogs, but just to recap: Love is safe; if it’s not safe it’s not love, it is infatuation or need.

Depending on how courageous you are, after one, two or three of these roller coaster rides of infatuation, you end up believing that ‘you will never be able to find love’ and that you will be alone for the rest of your joyless life, which then makes you take the first person that shows up with even the slightest potential, even though deep down you know they don’t have what it takes to make your heart sing, which makes you afraid of being in relationships.

How do you end this cycle? Here’s what to do. Write the names of the relationships that were painful and examine how deep down you knew they were not good for you and why you went for them anyway. See how you were so in need of attention that you refused to see all the warning signals that it was a bad idea. Why is it important to do this? It’s the best way for you to see that you have some control over the outcome of a relationship and that you are safe: Just don’t enter a relationship that you know is not good for you! That’s principle number one: No matter how physically attracted you are to someone, if they are not good for your heart, don’t go there. Trust your instincts, you already know.

Anyone who has been in a satisfying romantic relationship will agree that finding the right partner is only half the equation. The other half is the commitment to grow more in love on the part of both partners that will cement a fulfilling love life. Challenges happen in every relationship, but it is how you deal with the challenges that will build trust and love.

So be clear on which values are most important for you, what are the traits that you must absolutely have in a person for you to be able to give your heart to them. Admit what you truly want out of your relationship and don’t settle. Don’t give your heart to anyone unless they are loving and respectful people who are looking for a committed relationship.

I highly recommend that you do your inner work as well and let go of the stories that make you feel like you are unworthy of love so you can be patient in waiting for the right person to come into your life. Go to my website www.heartfreedommeditation.com for free meditation and practice reconnecting with your heart so you won’t let your emotions drive you.