There’s a lot of pressure to settle down, especially for heterosexual women of a certain age. Around the world, single women are routinely hounded by their heteronormative loved ones about when they’ll buy into monogamy and find “the right guy.” The ideas that one needs a male romantic partner to be happy is obviously offensive. To state the obvious, plenty of awesome ladies aren’t into dudes. And for those who do like the lads, there’s nothing wrong with waiting to get married. Plus, it’s perfectly okay never to settle down at all. And yet, many people persist in treating unwed women with suspicion, as though they are the townspeople of Salem in the 1600s. So, we say it’s time to flip the script. Next time someone casts aspersions on your singleness, here are three handy responses to teach them a lesson…
You have Vagina Dentata
Vagina dentata is the name for a condition where women have teeth inside their vaginas. Vagina dentata is a mythical concept that originated in folklore, and proceeded to scare the sh-t out of every man who’s ever heard of it. Vagina dentata provides a handy excuse for straight ladies trying to explain why they’re unwed. Why go with the boring “Well, I haven’t met the right person”? The next time your great-uncle inquires about your ring-less finger, respond, “I thought I met the right guy, but then my vagina bit his d-ck off.” With luck, that mental image will traumatize Uncle Brian to the point where he never harasses single women about their marital status again.
You’re Saving Up To Clone Chris Pine
The ideal man is sensitive, funny, looks good with his shirt off, and likes show tunes. In short, he’s Chris Pine, star of such films as Into The Woods and Wonder Woman. Sadly, there’s currently the one Chris Pine in the world, and he already has a girlfriend, Annabelle Wallis. That’s why you’ll need to clone him. This excuse could work for decades, because it’s currently illegal to clone humans, and if it weren’t, the process would definitely be expensive. Plus, you’ll need to mastermind some sort of “Ocean’s 8” heist plan to steal a Chris Pine DNA sample (Helpful hint: It might be useful to befriend his hair stylist, who could provide the hair clippings you need to clone him). Anyway, all these obstacles mean you’ll have to be patient, and invest wisely. But hey, waiting to clone your very own Chris Pine is better than settling for someone less appealing, like Chris Pratt. Next time your friends say you’re too picky, reply with the following:
“I know. I’m holding out for a Chris Pine clone.” At first, they’ll assume you mean this figuratively, so it might be best to send your besties some info on the science of human cloning. If you’re not into dudes, you can customize this excuse by replacing Chris Pine with a cool lady, like Rihanna.
You’re Not Afraid Of Dying Alone, Because You’re A Vampire
“Do you want to die alone?” Ah, the morbid question partnered people love to level at the unattached. But you know who doesn’t have to worry about dying alone? Vampires! Because they’re the undead. Convince your loved ones that you’re a stealth vampire, and suddenly you’ll have the perfect retort when single-shamers bring up your mortality. As long as you outlive whoever asks you this frustrating question, they won’t know you were lying. They may suspect you’re not actually a vampire, but they won’t be able to prove it. For maximum efficacy, we recommend reading some Anne Rice novels as research. It’s vital you make that vampire impression as convincing as possible…