It’s that time of the week again! The time when ABC barrages us with a never-ending stream of virgin jokes. The episode began with a group date that was basically an extended version of the aforementioned virgin gags. Colton and an assortment of ladies did a “storytelling” performance, where each woman had to tell the tale of her “first time” doing something. It didn’t HAVE to be about sexy time, but it was always the subtext…
In a surprising move, Megan Mullally of Will and Grace fame guest starred with her husband Nick Offerman. This shocked me, as Will and Grace is an NBC property, and ABC usually opts for overt brand synergy. I guess Jimmy Kimmel was busy? Anyway, the couple helped mentor the women into better storytellers. Alas, even these comic pros were not able to make silk out of the proverbial sow’s ear…Let’s just say no one was prepared to be on The Moth by the date’s end.
By far the best told story was Elyse’s. She saucily discussed her history of dating older men, then explained she’s turned her sights to a slightly younger dude, i.e. Colton. Later, 23 year-old Demi subsequently told the cameras she felt it was “brave” of Elyse to point out her age. For the record, Elyse is all of 31 years. Since when was not lying about being 31 an act of bravery? Apparently, Demi believes women in their thirties should hide our heads in shame. According to Demi, Elyse is basically old enough to star in a remake of The Golden Girls.
Demi didn’t just bring the drama when she referred to Elyse (who was born in 1987) as a “cougar.” Oh no! She rushed out to the audience and Kissed Colton when it was time to tell a story on stage. Later, at the post-date cocktail party, Demi had the temerity to pick up the rose and refer to it as already being hers. This enraged fellow contestant Tracy, who, like Eylse, is a woman in her thirties. Tracy acted like the “date rose” was the arc of the covenant, and was scandalized when Demi had the gaul to touch its precious petals.
Ultimately, it was we “golden girls” in our thirties who had the last laugh, however. Elyse was the recipient of the coveted “date rose.” Mwahahahah!
Next, it was time for the first one-on-one date of Colton’s season. The lucky lady was Hannah B, AKA Miss Alabama. It just so happened to be her twenty-fourth birthday, which Hannah referred to as her “golden birthday.” Is that even a real thing? I have NEVER heard that before. Yes, I get that pure gold has 24 karats and Hannah was turning 24. I understand the idea she was getting at, but does anyone else in the world use that term? Current 24 year-olds, please advise. Is this something the youths are saying these days?
As a historian of Bachelor Nation, I think it’s safe to say that Hannah and Colton’s date was the dullest outing ever to appear on the franchise. Yes, I’m including all dates from past seasons of The Bachelor, AS WELL AS The Bachelorette, and even Paradise and Winter Games. Hell, let’s include that now defunct Bachelor Pad show, too. Nothing has even been more boring than the tedious day Colton spent with Hannah B of Alamaba.!
The date was one of those typical, hyper-romantic Bachelor specials. Hannah and Colton went horseback riding, followed by dinner on a yacht and a fireworks display. But despite the lavish affair, Colton was clearly bored out of his damn mind. At one point, he asked Hannah to propose a toast, and it was like Hannah had never heard of toasting before. Colton honestly had to prompt the poor girl by saying, “I’d like to toast to…” This ineptitude confounded me, because I assumed beauty queens would have learned about toasting in pageant training school. I am not exactly surprised Caelynn beat her rival Hannah at the Miss USA pageant. Hannah B. is a lovely person, but she’s not exactly poised…
For some reason, Hannah B still said the disastrous date was “the happiest day of her life.” Which, to me, is just disrespectful to the Miss Alabama pageant. Wasn’t she happier the day she received her crown? COME ON, HANNAH! Have a little respect for the Miss Alabama institution!
Poor Colton really wanted to send Hannah home. When cajoled her to open up, Hannah’s idea of doing so was to be the 80th person so far this season to ask Colton why he’s still a virgin. Come ON! We all already know the answer! He told Becca, then he reiterated it on Paradise, and then again on the season premiere! Colton is a virgin because he is waiting for love! That’s his answer and it’s not gonna change any time soon. Colton is nothing if not consistent about that.
I am fairly certain that, had it not been Hannah B’s so-called “golden birthday,” Underwood would have sent her packing. But how mean would it be to deprive a girl of a one-on-one date rose on her b-day? Colton is something of a softie, so he bestowed the flower upon her. However, he did not look happy about it.
The last date of the episode was a group date featuring comedian Billy Eichner. Colton claimed to be a fan of Eichner’s, which was almost as unbelievable as the current season of Grey’s Anatomy (Seriously, when will ABC cancel that show already? It’s jumped about 127 sharks at this point!) As expected, Eichner also mediocre virgin jokes. Because I like you, dear readers, I will not repeat them. I will spare you the suffering! They were both unfunny, and uncharitable.
The second group date had a summer camp theme. This meant the girls were divided into a yellow team and a red team. Subsequently, they competed for more time with Colton. This competition involved the ladies wearing booty shorts and short skirts while they playing tug of war and attempting to canoe.
When The Red Team won, The Yellow Team were sent packing, and that’s where things got interesting. Miss Caelynn, AKA Miss North Carolina, used the extra alone time to inform Colton of her tragic past. Caelynn described the time she almost died as a toddler, and that vulnerability – combined with her hotness – earned Caelynn a kiss. There was PLENTY of tongue, so I think it’s safe to say Caelynn is a frontrunner.
The group date rose, however, ultimately went to Heather. The blonde 22 year-old took the opportunity to inform Colton that not only is she a fellow virgin, she’s also never been kissed. Yes, Heather is a veritable Drew Barrymore movie from the 90s!
As is customary, the episode concluded with a cocktail party. During said soiree, Demi was back to her old tricks. Wearing a robe, she interrupted Colton’s alone time with Tracy to whisk him off for a sensual massage. Tracy was despondent, and fled to her room to weep. Apparently, she and all the other women over 27 share a suite in the Bachelor Mansion. Because OF COURSE the notoriously ageist show segregates everyone over 25. No surprise there!
Probably because she enjoys stirring the pot (She is our villain, after all!), Demi followed Tracy to her room. At this time, she assured Tracy that she was one of the “most amazing women” she’d ever met. Of course, Demi still refers to Tracy and Elyse as “the older girls” and “cougars” behind their backs. Demi Versus The Older Ladies is destined to be one of the biggest rivalries of the season. Perhaps one of the most infamous rivalries in Bachelor history!
In the end, it was Angelique and Annie who went home. I remember literally nothing about either woman, which speaks well of them as people, but that also means they would have made poor Bachelor contestants. Neither lady even made a scene when she left! They were entirely too dignified to make for good TV…
Well, that’s it for this week. I hope next Monday’s installment is the one where Colton jumps the fence. Fingers crossed!
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