You may be looking for love in all the right places, but are you holding back your heart with an ultimatum for love? What’s the difference between having a set of wants or criteria for compatibility and an ultimatum?
An ultimatum is defined as: “a final and uncompromising demand or set of terms, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or the use of force or manipulation.”
If you think about it, ultimatums are often fear based requirements to compensate for a personal sense of insecurity. You require it in order to feel safe, prove your worth and feel “good enough”.
Frequent ultimatums we hear are:
He can’t be younger than me or she can’t be older. He has to have a certain amount of money (i.e. be rich), he has to be a certain height or have blue eyes. She has to be a certain height or weight or be fashionable. They have to love dogs. They can’t have prior children or have been divorced etc. Religion is also a big one. Ask yourself how important is religion to me really? Is it spirituality that you crave or having them participate in the traditions? Is this ultimatum yours or one that has been set by your family? We are not saying that you should dismiss religion or your core values. We are simply asking you to check in to see if it is a genuine practice in your life or a requirement based on external expectations.
What’s the difference between a core value and an ultimatum?
A core value is a way you live your life. It is your philosophy or belief system and criteria for making every decision in your life. For example a core value is gratitude, honesty, generosity, trust, responsibility, personal growth, fitness, work ethic etc. They are not physical traits or tangible requirements such as large breasts, height, weight, income, age, hair color or density, status and so on.
An ultimatum can often be a subconscious self-protection mechanism to protect your heart from being hurt again. For example: a 40 year old woman who is fit and fashionable says: “He has to have abs.” She will use her ultimatum to make a final judgement and reject what may be a suitable partner because she is attached to her ultimatum.
Turn Your Ultimatum into a Criteria for Compatibility
For example, shift your thinking from: “He has to have abs.” to “He likes working out or he likes being fit”. It is obvious that finding a person who enjoys fitness is easier than worrying about the washboard stomach that may make or break your relationship potential.
Ask yourself another question: have I dated a person with my ultimatum who had other flaws that made them incompatible? This will indicate whether your ultimatum is shielding you from attaining intimacy.
How to Break My Ultimatum for Love
Ask yourself the following questions and complete the exercise:
- What is my ultimatum for love? Write a complete list.
- Where does my ultimatum come from? (Social, parental or past fear influence)
- Why is it important to me? (This is where you will uncover what you truly want: fitness, spirituality, stability, etc…)
- How has my ultimatum for love kept me single or safe from getting too attached or hurt?
- How can I turn my ultimatum into a criteria for compatibility?
- Use the exercise in our previous article “Can You Be Too Picky” and create a wider range of compatibility traits so you can focus on a bigger picture and consciously attract the “one” for you.
Remember that life, like people, doesn’t like ultimatums. It wants you to be with the “one” and enjoy a loving and lasting relationship, but you have to be willing to give up your ultimatum in order to open up to the possibilities love has to offer.
What’s your love ultimatum? Let us know on Facebook (Courageous Living) and win the amazing 3 hour audio workshop “Investing in You – Create Love that Lasts”.