Relationships 0

Take Responsibility For Your Relationship

By @nicole_mccance · On April 29, 2014

Most arguments are projections.

What are projections?

When we argue with our spouse or significant other, it’s less about them and more about the feelings that we project on to them. If someone is angry and we ask them why they’re angry and irritated, often it’s actually our own anger, irritation, anxiety or agitation that we haven’t dealt with and might not feel safe enough to verbalize in our relationship. Instead we project this emotion on the other person.

If you argue all the time about something specific, think about whether the emotion that you’re seeing in the other person is something you may actually have. If we focus on ourselves, that’s when things can change. We can’t change the other person.

We need to take 100 per cent responsibility for our relationships, not 50 percent. The other person needs to take 100 per cent, too. It take 200 percent for a relationship to work.

We can take responsibility for our relationship even in cases of infidelity. If a man cheats on a woman, you hear one side of the story and think that the man is awful. But if the woman, who is usually seen as the victim takes 100 percent responsibility and asks herself:

– What got her here?

– How and why does she end up in relationships with men who cheat?

– Is this a pattern in her life?

– Has she ever observed cheating in her past?

– What is her view on cheating?

– What is her value on her own worth, deservedness and happiness?

Don’t ask what made him cheat, but instead how she may have got to this point in her life.

We can take 100 percent responsibility for everything. It’s not your fault that someone cheats on you, but ask how do you put yourself in these situations and what can you do differently. This is a much more empowering context to live in. Ask yourself what you need to heal within yourself. It’s an empowering place to stand when you are 100 percent responsible for every single thing that happens in your life. It’s a hard conversation to have with yourself but it can change your life.

Projection comes from deep-seated feelings. When you think you may be projecting a feeling onto someone else:

Think about what emotion you could be projecting.

Ask yourself what you can be 100 percent responsible for.

Focus on working through your emotional “stuff” and the other person just may appear differently to you.

Nominated, RBC Women Entrepreneur of the Year, Nicole McCance M.A. is a fully licensed Psychological Associate. Her services are covered under extended health care and she is licensed to diagnose mental disorders. Nicole is also an author of the best-selling book 52 Ways to Beat Depression Naturally. She has over 9 years of formal university education and has completed a certificate program in trauma and recovery from Harvard Medical School. She has a M.A in Counselling Psychology from the University of Toronto, a B.A. in Criminology and a B.A with Honours in Psychology from Carleton University. Nicole owns Nicole McCance Psychology, which has over 10 counselling locations providing both individual and couples counselling across the GTA. Over 120 individuals and couples receive counselling every month through Nicole McCance Psychology. She has been providing counselling and assessment services for the past 10 years across North America and in Russia. She has been a frequent contributor to media outlets such as CP24, CTV News, CTV National, Global TV,City TV, CBC News, Rogers, CBC Radio, ABC Spark, E!, the Toronto Star and Canadian Living. You can visit her website at nicolemccance.com.

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