Visualize being on a fourth date with an attractive man who you’re totally into. He is showering you with compliments. You can’t stop smiling as the two of you hold hands, kiss softly, and flirt playfully. A little bit of skin-to-skin contact already has your brain releasing feel good hormones called endorphins, and a powerful hormone called oxytocin. As the date continues, you feel even closer to him and by the end of the night, he’s managed to get you into bed. Now your oxytocin levels are through the roof, especially if he has brought you to orgasm, which releases even more of this bonding hormone. With this amount of oxytocin circulating in your system, you’re now what I like to call ‘under the influence’. That’s right. Oxytocin is manipulating your rational thought pattern and is rapidly working like a drug to alter your state of mind. It’s already got you turning him into the ‘perfect mate’ and you barely even know him. While you’re hastily planning your future together, he’s just thinking that was pretty awesome sex. Ladies, it is time you understand the chemical reasons why you trust too soon, love too soon, and get hurt even faster.
Oxytocin is a hormone that is released during intimate encounters. This takes place within the autonomic nervous system and is completely subconscious. Although both men and women produce this hormone, oxytocin just doesn’t work the same in men. They don’t feel hormonally bonded after intimacy as women do. Don’t expect sex to bring the two of you closer together. I mean, you may feel closer, but he likely doesn’t. Because men and women are wired differently, women unfortunately tend to expect more after sex. It is important to understand the chemical reactions that take place in your body in order to avoid unhealthy bonding with a bad partner. This unique hormone’s drug-like effects can last for days and can easily have you falling for the wrong type of guy. Aren’t you tired of trying to convince your girlfriends that the guy you’re dating is a ‘good mate’? Do you hear yourself saying “I love the way he holds me, he’s different when he’s with me, I feel so connected when I’m with him.” Really? This works for you? It sounds like you only feel connected when you’re with him or when you hear from him. Unfortunately, this is likely oxytocin speaking, not you. Deep down, you probably know he isn’t right for you, but you’re addicted to the ‘high’ that comes with this hormone. Like a drug addict, you foolishly keep going back for more until your supplier is no longer available. Can somebody say withdrawal symptoms?
Women by nature are designed to want relationships. Most females are looking for a partner who they can grow with, and possibly have a family with. Very few actually view sex as a contact sport, yet many continue to have sexual encounters with men they barely know. These same women often come to me for advice and it is not uncommon for them to feel sad, hurt, and alone even though they are dating a ‘great guy’ and having ‘great sex’. What’s really happening is the oxytocin has them thinking they are connected, but for their partner, there isn’t much of a bond at all past the physical level. Sex isn’t intended to be a casual sport and intense orgasms weren’t just created by nature for sexual pleasure. Ladies, you’re bonded hormonally during sex and unfortunately, your male partner usually isn’t -at least not in the same way. Healthy? I don’t think so. This is often the basis for unhealthy relationships that women create for themselves. Before you’re intimate with the guy that you’re dating, confirm that he wants to bond with you emotionally as well as physically. If you can’t discuss this important subject with him, you’re simply not ready to get naked with him.
Most women would much rather be with one man – someone reliable, loving and supportive. Ask yourself, is your partner really a good match for you? Is sex with a man you barely know really the best solution to your sexual frustrations? Perhaps you’ve confused a great partner with a great orgasm? You may have shared a great physical connection, but does this guy show up for you emotionally when you need him? How many times have you wanted to say “I love you” after intimacy with a guy you barely knew and definitely didn’t love? It’s not love, it’s just oxytocin. You may be guilty of associating sex with love with previous partners. It’s not your fault. Let’s blame the hormone oxytocin and change your pattern moving forward. Let go of failed relationships and bad decisions in your past (aka detox) and get to know your man on an emotional level before you get physical with him. Experience the incredible high of oxytocin with a man who deserves you and actually loves you. With the right partner, this powerful love drug is truly the best thing out there – and, the best part is, your own body makes it.
18 Comments
Awesome article!! Just wanted to add that when men release too much oxytocin they have an instinct to create space ie run to rebalance their testosterone levels 🙂
Yes we do. It feels like an outside force is telling us to go against rational thought. I’ve found a cuddle buddy can be as addictive as an opioid between long term relationships. Can lead to dependant patterns on females that are bad influences but physically indulgent.
We love this article and oxy-breathing 🙂
Wow! Let me just say I have a LOT of oxytocin. I feel like this article was written about me…I guess next time I will have to make him leave right after so I do not get the chance to slip the “L word.” Really going to think twice about men….and sex. Props to all the girls that wait for the right man!
This is an excellent article that really explains the oxytocin response, dispels the myth that oxytocin is only a woman thing and explains why sex can be so bonding. A concern about the title: All emotion, including love, begins with a physiological state that’s the result of fluctuations in our hormones/brain chemicals. The prefrontal cortex then assigns a name to that state based on what our parents/friends/culture/media have called it — and then we assign some expectations to that state, based on ditto.
You’re so right that when we feel that oxytocin feeling, we think, “I love you. I want to be with you forever.”
But the oxytocin state IS the emotion. We just need to rename it. “Wow, I’m feeling a lot of oxytocin in my body right now,” instead of, “You have to be with me forever!”
If you don’t mind, can I plug my book, The Chemistry of Connection, that talks about the oxytocin response? http://www.chemistryofconnection.com.
Do you have theories behind under nurtured, ie under oxytocined youths having a predisposition to personality disorders? I believe bpd and npd are addiction responses to not getting enough oxytocin as a child then seeking bad relationships either too intense or chaos for comfort to try get oxytocin at max doses.
[…] in the comfortable, stable and committed stage of a relationship, oxytocin is released. Oxytocin is also known as “the cuddle hormone,” as it deepens feeling of attachment. It is released […]
“Women by nature are designed to want relationships.”
That is a huge and very debatable assumption you’re making here. Who says our pre-historic ancestors didn’t live like bonobos?
Important and I will share this widely. Thank you so much. I discovered you because my niece was interviewed for an article here; she’s got a business, you’ve got a writer, and networking really DOES get us out there, doesn’t it? You teach a profound lesson here and it will be healthy to see it given attention. I was brought up to look askance at strong physical attractions; religion was used as the frontier. Hormones are a truer message.
“Hormones are a truer message” Great comment Phyllis!
Blusher, thank you for pointing out that not all women want relationships. Perhaps I should have stated that “MOST women by nature are designed to want relationships.” Cheers!
I hate to agree with this article but through much trial and error I must. I was in a long celibate marriage and rebounded with lots of sexual activity. The withdrawals from casual hookups have gotten too troublesome for me, it’s just not worth it anymore I think. Sad because I do love great sex and know a few great guys but not relationship material. I always end up feeling hurt, depressed, isolated, anxious, and lonely for a 3-5 days after sex, when I felt perfectly fine before. I think the problem is I orgasm so easily and a lot, so I pump out a ton of oxytocin and dopamine. Then I crash with horrid, drug-like withdrawals. Sucks! Why can’t they invent an antidote so I can have sex like a man lol? Who knows how long I’ll be single, it’s really unfair.
they did. you can get testosterone cream, injections or a patch.
[…] when that steel door came down with Laurence, I sat with my oxytocin hangover and listened to what Mother Nature was trying to tell me. And she said […]
[…] hormonally to a male during sex, but men may only be physically bonded, not emotionally bonded. Make sure it’s love, not oxytocin, says Dr. […]
[…] hormonally to a male during sex, but men may only be physically bonded, not emotionally bonded. Make sure it’s love, not oxytocin, says Dr. […]
To help better understand this, read the books by Dr. Robert Sapolsky and Frans de Waal. Sapolsky studied Baboons and Waal studied Chimpanzees. You will find that we are not rational beings, but monkeys who slaves to a soup of hormones. It is fascinating and somewhat frightening reading.
[…] nonetheless men would possibly per chance totally be bodily bonded, now not emotionally bonded. Make distinct that it’s cherish, now not oxytocin, says Dr. […]
[…] real Twin Soul without sleeping with them first. Because as soon as you hit that first orgasm, your oxytocin levels will easily help you make Mr. Wrong into a perfect Mr. Twin – even when he isn’t. But […]