It’s Not Love, It’s Oxytocin

Visualize being on a fourth date with an attractive man who you’re totally into.  He is showering you with compliments.  You can’t stop smiling as the two of you hold hands, kiss softly, and flirt playfully.  A little bit of skin-to-skin contact already has your brain releasing feel good hormones called endorphins, and a powerful hormone called oxytocin.  As the date continues, you feel even closer to him and by the end of the night, he’s managed to get you into bed.  Now your oxytocin levels are through the roof, especially if he has brought you to orgasm, which releases even more of this bonding hormone.  With this amount of oxytocin circulating in your system, you’re now what I like to call ‘under the influence’.  That’s right.  Oxytocin is manipulating your rational thought pattern and is rapidly working like a drug to alter your state of mind.  It’s already got you turning him into the ‘perfect mate’ and you barely even know him.  While you’re hastily planning your future together, he’s just thinking that was pretty awesome sex.  Ladies, it is time you understand the chemical reasons why you trust too soon, love too soon, and get hurt even faster.

Oxytocin is a hormone that is released during intimate encounters.  This takes place within the autonomic nervous system and is completely subconscious.  Although both men and women produce this hormone, oxytocin just doesn’t work the same in men.  They don’t feel hormonally bonded after intimacy as women do.  Don’t expect sex to bring the two of you closer together.  I mean, you may feel closer, but he likely doesn’t.  Because men and women are wired differently, women unfortunately tend to expect more after sex.  It is important to understand the chemical reactions that take place in your body in order to avoid unhealthy bonding with a bad partner.  This unique hormone’s drug-like effects can last for days and can easily have you falling for the wrong type of guy.  Aren’t you tired of trying to convince your girlfriends that the guy you’re dating is a ‘good mate’?  Do you hear yourself saying “I love the way he holds me, he’s different when he’s with me, I feel so connected when I’m with him.”  Really?  This works for you?  It sounds like you only feel connected when you’re with him or when you hear from him.  Unfortunately, this is likely oxytocin speaking, not you.  Deep down, you probably know he isn’t right for you, but you’re addicted to the ‘high’ that comes with this hormone.  Like a drug addict, you foolishly keep going back for more until your supplier is no longer available.  Can somebody say withdrawal symptoms?

Women by nature are designed to want relationships.  Most females are looking for a partner who they can grow with, and possibly have a family with.  Very few actually view sex as a contact sport, yet many continue to have sexual encounters with men they barely know.  These same women often come to me for advice and it is not uncommon for them to feel sad, hurt, and alone even though they are dating a ‘great guy’ and having ‘great sex’.  What’s really happening is the oxytocin has them thinking they are connected, but for their partner, there isn’t much of a bond at all past the physical level.  Sex isn’t intended to be a casual sport and intense orgasms weren’t just created by nature for sexual pleasure.   Ladies, you’re bonded hormonally during sex and unfortunately, your male partner usually isn’t -at least not in the same way.  Healthy?  I don’t think so.  This is often the basis for unhealthy relationships that women create for themselves.  Before you’re intimate with the guy that you’re dating, confirm that he wants to bond with you emotionally as well as physically.  If you can’t discuss this important subject with him, you’re simply not ready to get naked with him.

Most women would much rather be with one man – someone reliable, loving and supportive.  Ask yourself, is your partner really a good match for you?  Is sex with a man you barely know really the best solution to your sexual frustrations?  Perhaps you’ve confused a great partner with a great orgasm?  You may have shared a great physical connection, but does this guy show up for you emotionally when you need him?  How many times have you wanted to say “I love you” after intimacy with a guy you barely knew and definitely didn’t love?  It’s not love, it’s just oxytocin.  You may be guilty of associating sex with love with previous partners.  It’s not your fault.  Let’s blame the hormone oxytocin and change your pattern moving forward.  Let go of failed relationships and bad decisions in your past (aka detox) and get to know your man on an emotional level before you get physical with him.   Experience the incredible high of oxytocin with a man who deserves you and actually loves you.  With the right partner, this powerful love drug is truly the best thing out there – and, the best part is, your own body makes it.