Any time I go out in social situations, the conversation often moves into one about dating or relationships. Women, once they feel safe about being open regarding their relationship views, frequently offer invaluable insights. Recently though, I’ve noticed a disturbing theme to our conversations. When I’ve questioned how things were going with their boyfriend, I’ve almost consistently gotten the same reaction:
Shoulders droop forward as she expels a breath of frustration. Her head lowers to face the floor for a brief second and then, reaffixing her eyes on mine states that things are going “okay”, but not the way she would like them to. Next comes a list of not grievances, but worse, disappointments and frustrations. Then, for a brief moment I’ll hear a rationalization or two. Something like “He’ll come around, he’s just having some challenges at work”. But that half-hearted utterance fades and her look becomes one of loss or even anguish.
It’s a truly sad sight when you see a beautiful, otherwise vibrant, intelligent and lively woman, concede that love is slowly fading and she feels hopeless. But this scene has played out over and over again with only a small nuance between the women I’ve spoken with.
After witnessing it, reflecting on it and even debating about it, I only have one thing to say to women:
Break up with your boyfriend!
My obvious use of hyperbole here is meant only to drive a point home where it needs to, but when in doubt, I think I’d still stick to the same declaration. There are simply too many women who are indulging men and waiting for them to magically change, or become the men they had once hoped for.
I say this with all due respect to the brotherhood that I belong to, but the fact is that many men will waste women’s time. I’m sorry. And it’s not that men are indifferent to wasting women’s time, or would willingly hurt them; it’s because of the way men think, and the way men operate.
The issue usually develops just into the dating phase, at the inferred inception of the “relationship”.
It’s important to know that most dating and relationship experts will tell us that men are typically three months behind in their thinking about the direction and status of the relationship compared to women. This means that while she is contemplating the details of what the future looks like, he is likely to be just having fun and enjoying the dating moments in contented oblivion. A whole three months sooner than him, a woman will be consulting with her girlfriends on the direction of the relationship, including evaluating his history, his family, his trustworthiness and his overall future suitability.
And he? It’s probable that he may have already informed a buddy or two that she’s “a lot of fun and super hot”, but not furthered his thinking much beyond that.
Ultimately, when the questions of direction and status are finally tabled, he will have a choice. He can either state that he’s not ready to discuss such topics, giving the usual excuses or, he can consider whether becoming a “boyfriend” at this point is acceptable for him. Acceptable for him includes considering the minimum prerequisites, such as does he enjoy her company and does he like having sex with her. Shockingly one-dimensional I know, but at least I said “minimum”.
This is a clear mismatch of relationship entry perspectives, but common just the same.
So the months go by and the man is likely still getting his initially required needs met, yet the woman finds herself longing for more and feeling less and less satisfied with the relationship.
It’s at this point that I must have found some of my beautiful friends as they responded to me with despair. There are probably many more women out there who aren’t as acutely aware of the relationship imbalance, yet continue on day-to-day less fulfilled than they had ever imagined they would be.
How would a woman know if she’s one of the women that need to break up with her boyfriend?
She should ask herself these important questions:
Do I feel desired the way I imagined I would be?
Do I feel respected the way I think I should be?
Am I contributing more to this relationship than I am getting in return?
Is this what I expected from a relationship?
Answering truthfully to these questions should let her know whether she should consider stepping up the conversations, or concede to the truth, and break up with her boyfriend.
Yet I can hear what some women are saying right now, because I’ve heard it before. Many women are saying, “Maybe this time it’s different. Maybe with a little more time he will begin to understand, adapt and contribute more.” And so on.
Considering giving a man a little more time to magically change is a critical and all too common error. Take it from a man; if the tables were turned and he wasn’t getting his minimum needs met, he would break up with her.
Further, men characteristically don’t magically change or evolve much.
What men will do however is learn from hard lessons. And what is a hard lesson? A hard lesson is when finally, after months of the woman trying to reach out to him, making every effort possible yet crying her self to sleep one too many times, she finally breaks up with the man who took her for granted.
He’ll now have learned the consequences of complacency and remember that hard lesson, sadly however, for the benefit of his next girlfriend.
5 Comments
Break up with a man because it takes him time to fall in love. So men should go around and fall in love with every girl they meet, right? Love is built upon not found! It doesn’t magically happen like in a fairy tale, it’s something that grows over time after truly understanding and knowing someone. Love requires a solid foundation and some men need time to realize who they have. It doesn’t mean they don’t care or don’t want to be with the woman.
Writing sappy articles for ratings and appealing to a woman’s sensitive side is like playing depressing music for a teenager, you might as well go steal candy from a kid. I wonder if the author is in a serious relationship or if single and writes this stuff just so he can come across as the sensitive caring type so he can get into girls pants?
Thank you for your comment “diddle” but I believe you have misunderstood the spirit of the article. The article is not about misaligned time frames for falling in love between the genders. The article is about men who are unwilling, for whatever reason, to contribute more than the least in a relationship and the women who wrongly believe that something will miraculously change one day and therefore stick around. My message is that when you occupy lengths of your time with the wrong person, you will have no room to find the right one.
Thanks for reading Eligible Magazine.
Gary
I have to say that I read this publication weekly for some time now and I have enjoyed a majority of the postings. Sometimes I agree with the author’s positions and sometimes I don’t. In this case I had to agree. I don’t think that the author “writes this stuff just so he can come across as the sensitive caring type so he can get into girls pants” (that’s a pretty seriously personal attack) I think he asked women to reflect on some pretty fundamental questions.
The Call to Action in this case was for women to ask themselves ….
Do I feel loved the way I imagined I would be?
Do I feel respected the way I think I should be?
Am I contributing more to this relationship than I am getting in return?
Is this what I expected from a relationship?
Women all too often that focus on the needs to their mate rather than their own. They get caught up in the “pleasing” of a relationship and end up neglecting their own needs because fulfilling those of their mate brings them a sense of accomplishment and happiness… that happiness is seldom lasting and once the thrill of the first few months is worn away she may begin to feel resentful, disoriented, and under appreciated because she did not prioritize her own needs.
Empowering women to ask themselves what THEY are truly seeking in a mate and how THEY feel about the relationship they are currently persuing is an honest and considerate way of telling women to stop hoping to find love in someone who is unable to give them what they are seeking and instead go out and find it in someone who is ready and willing to care for them the way they want to be cared for.
This article should also hit home for men. If you’re NOT THAT INTO HER… let her go. It will save you some serious headaches, unwanted conversations about feelings, and dealing with the backlash of her annoyances.
I understand what this article is trying to achieve, don’t waste your time on a man if he isn’t on the same page (wanting something long term). I agree with that. But to say “I’ve almost consistently gotten the same reaction” is a little over dramatic and implying the majority of women feel this way I truly believe is an exaggeration. The reality is relationships take work and it’s how you handle those peaks and valleys is a good indication if you both are the right match.
To say “Just break up with him” is the easy way out. An ultimatum is enough of a “hard lesson” and makes more sense, put the threat out there. But of course the author plays into a popular theme these days in society which is the feminization of men. Implying the women should be with a man who shares his feelings all the time and dresses in designer suits because that’s what women want. Please! it’s overplayed and at the end of the day a women wants a “mans, man” someone who takes charge and knows exactly what they want. You want to know if a guy is into his relationship, how about asking him ? Most guys will give a direct answer if women give them a direct question. I agree with the first poster, the author is throwing a layup so these women can land a slam dunk and fall into his words.
Hey Roger, thanks for commenting on the post.
It’s true that my article is a little “extreme” in nature and that’s why I used the term “hyperbole”, even though I discounted it somewhat in the same sentence.
I agree that communication is of the utmost importance and also believe a woman should judge a man on his actions and not on his words. I think that we men are willing to say a lot of things, but often will not act on them in the context of a relationship. This article also assumes that the woman has tried, and has reached out to discuss the relationship imbalances. Of course she has; that’s something women do very well. Ultimately a woman could step up the conversation with an ultimatum. It’s worth a try, however we don’t respond well to threats or lectures. Threats, ultimatums and lectures don’t usually inspire us to act or change.
The “feminization” of men as you put it over the decades is a problem for men and a bigger problem for women. I don’t think that women care so much about a man who talks about his feelings (or wears designer suits) near as much as care about him being a “real man”. I hear that women are longing for a real man all the time. Women do want a “mans man” who is strong and decisive, so I agree.
But none of the foregoing changes the fact that many a man will waste a woman’s time because he is satisfied with getting his basic needs met and for whatever reason, he doesn’t contribute further than that in the relationship. Women typically throw an abundance of their emotions into the relationship very early on and hold it there trusting that a man will ultimately do the same thing. Often he doesn’t and she is left with a very dissatisfying and disheartening situation. It is here, under these circumstances, that I am writing. I see women’s sense of futility in my business on a regular basis. I am not suggesting that it is, or ever has been your situation, or the previous male commenters situation, but it’s a common one just the same. And so, women often hold on, having invested so much into the relationship hoping that something will change. And you and I know that most of us don’t change much, and therefore she is clearly wasting her time. It is here that I am saying that it is enough; BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND!
Thanks for reading Eligible Magazine Roger.
Gary