I can’t believe it’s Hometowns already! This season has flown by in a haze of shower make outs and virgin puns! I cannot believe we are officially one week away from Fantasy Suites, AKA When Colton Finally Gets To Have The Sex!!!! Alas, I am getting ahead of myself…
The first hometown date was Caelynn’s. Despite being Miss North Carolina, you may recall that Caelynn is calls Asheville, Virginia home. Caelynn introduced Colton to Asheville by taking him on a horse-drawn carriage ride through the town’s ridiculously quaint streets. The place was so full of colonial architecture, it looked like the soundstage for TURN: Washington Spies. I don’t know if you know that show, but it’s about The Revolutionary War and it’s very good. During this date, I half expected historical re-enactors to pop out of the woodwork; however, none materialized, which I believe was a missed opportunity on the part of the producers. Next time, they should invite an Alexander Hamilton impersonator to the party!
Caelynn and Colton used their alone time to discuss their hypothetical future together. Apparently, they both want kids. Colton said he was looking forward to getting a dog, too. That comment confused me, because doesn’t he already have more than one dog? Can’t they just blend the dog families they already have? How many dogs does Colton reasonably think he can take care of? I know he doesn’t have a real job, but he does spend A LOT of time at the gym…
Caelynn’s family seemed nice enough. Her sister wears a lot of eye-makeup, which the Interwebs took issue with, but I say, let the woman be happy! Makeup-shaming is so 2014. The most important thing is that she loves her sister, people! Who cares if you don’t like Caelynn’s sisters false eyelashes?
Of course, because he thinks it’s still 1853, Colton felt the need to ask Caelynn’s father for her hand in marriage. Don’t get too excited though! He literally did this with every dad, and none of the mothers. Apparently, Colton believes a woman’s patriarch determines if and when she is allowed to get married. Caelynn’s dad said yes, but he didn’t seem super into it. As an aside, do we think Colton even knows women have the right to vote? I am only being 32% sarcastic here!
Next came Hannah G’s kick at the hometown can. Because the Alabama native insisted they “do things differently in the South,” she escorted Colton to a pre-dinner etiquette class. Said class involved a lady who looked like a mean, Southern version of Laura Linney. Southern Laura Linney taught Colton various skills, including the correct way to eat a dinner roll. At one point, Southern Laura Linney produced a convoluted analogy about umbrellas. She explained Hannah grew up with her parents holding the umbrella that protects her, but the baton will soon be passed to her partner, and that’s what marriage is? This begs the question, why can’t Hannah just hold the damn umbrella herself? Is that not an option according to Southern Charm School?
Eventually, Colton was permitted to meet Hannah’s family. Once again he asked the father in question for permission to marry his daughter. Colton’s sexist disregard for women’s agency was a major theme of the episode.
The third hometown went to Tayshia. Tayshia’s game is clearly more sophisticated than all the other contestants COMBINED. Since she and Colton are both afraid of heights, she took him on a skydiving date. This may sound counter-intuitive. However, it was a valuable opportunity for them to grow as a couple. They tried something new and terrifying together, which ultimately strengthened their bond. When Tayshia explained she’s falling for Colton because he “challenges” her, I actually teared up a bit. What a great reason to love someone! I’m currently shipping Tayshia and Colton like they’re a FedEx package…
When the time came for Colton to meet the fam, Tayshia’s dad gave him a chilly reception. Apparently he is not a fan of his daughter finding a husband on reality TV, which is reasonable. Tayshia’s dad had by far the best line of the night when he said, “You can’t microwave relationships.” Now that’s something I’d like to stitch on a pill! Having said that, he eventually gave Colton his blessing to propose, too.
The hometown visit went to Cassie, the girl with whom Colton has the most palpable chemistry. Cassie’s family were the strangest thing I have ever seen in Bachelor Nation. They were an army of blondes who looked as if they were genetically engineered in a lab, with the express purpose of being hot enough for reality TV. Every single one of them was as conventionally attractive as Cassie.
Cassie’s father was the sole patriarch who withheld his blessing from Colton. Why? Well, apparently this papa believes marriage is a big commitment not to be entered into lightly. He’s not wrong, but I don’t understand why these families wait until hometowns to deliver stern lectures about the sanctity of marriage. Wouldn’t it be a better parenting decision to have this talk before your child signs up for a reality dating show? I can’t be the only one who thinks this!
Despite the lack of patriarchal approval, Cassie still received a rose. It was Caelynn who was sent packing instead, a decision which shocked countless fans on the Internet. But is it really that shocking? When Colton is into someone, he gropes her ass. That’s his tell, and he never did that with Caelynn.
In the end, Colton will likely be “deflowered” next week by Cassie, Tayshia or Hannah G. It feels so random that the order in which producers schedule “Fantasy Suites” will determine who gets Colton’s virginity. Yes, I appreciate that virginity is a social construction and all that, but I do hope the producers give Colton some say in how he loses said social construction. First times can be stressful. I so hope Colton feels comfortable during his. Everyone deserves to feel safe during their first time, even super ripped former NFL practice squad players turned reality stars…