“The 10%”: How To Protect Yourself From the Heartache of A Breakup

By: Marcos Mendosa

Although intimate relationships between lovers can often be known as a wonderful experience that enriches the lives of those involved, it can also be a challenging, daunting, and terrible experience when the relationship loses its chemical romance. You see, people have a tendency to devote themselves entirely to their partner. As time passes, and you spend a significant amount of time with each other, you develop a kinship with your significant other that makes you sub-consciously think that the two of you are inseparable. This type of adoration doesn’t happen with everyone, but for those that it does, you’ll probably have a good idea of the point I’m about to make.

Attraction turns to lust, lust turns to adoration, adoration turns to admiration, and when you least expect it; all of a sudden you are in love! When two people are in sync emotionally, the process of developing a relationship is wonderful. A healthy mind and an open heart wouldn’t even consider the negative presumptions that come with worrying about the direction of your relationship because when it’s as good as it is in the present, your past relationships don’t matter, and your future is too far away to consider in the present moment of bliss that you are in.

I apologize in advance, but I’m about to burst your bubble and give you a bit of a reality check!

The reason for the title “The 10%”, is because I believe that when falling in love you should always hold back 10% of that love as a security blanket for yourself in case things go awry in the relationship.

Many people fall in love and give themselves completely to their partners, but when things go bad, they are left with nothing to cure their heartache. With that 10% you save for yourself, you can regenerate the self-love within and know that consciously you still own a piece of your own heart. This is very important for the healing process. Breakups can be disastrous in more ways than just emotionally. For example, physically, you could develop an eating disorder, mentally, you could become confused and lonely, and spiritually, you could lose faith in your own ability to love, or worse, lose faith in the opposite sex if you’ve gone through heartache in the past.

“Learn to love unconditionally, but not lose the love you have for yourself.”

Relationships last when two people create an equal balance between how much they give the relationship, and how much they give themselves. By becoming dependent on your partner to fulfill your life with all the goodness you aspire to receive, you run the risk of forcing your partner to feel responsible for your happiness. If your partner is going through a rough time in his or her life, and you are relying on him/her to be the one who’s always happy, optimistic, and fun, then you are putting pressure on them to maintain the balance in what the two of you have created. This can push your partner away and result in mixed emotions that won’t clear up until it is too late.

When considering “the 10%” ideology, make a mental note to develop your self-confidence, self-esteem, and be certain of your self-worth. Prevalence in a relationship is sustained when you are certain of yourself. Imagine growing a thick layer of protection around your heart. Nothing is certain in life. People come, people go. Flowers bloom, flowers die. Day turns to night, and night turns to day. Take a moment to think of the word “relationship”.

Relation – noun
– the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected; a thing’s effect on or relevance to another.

Ship – noun
– a vessel larger than a boat for transporting people or goods by sea.

From a female perspective:
Imagine yourself in a mid-sized canoe with the person you love. The canoe has a name on the side of it. It’s called “relation-ship”.  As you’re paddling along joyfully, each of you are contributing the perfect amount of consistency and strength in order to move the canoe forward. You are both healthy and active, and you know each others strengths, so you find the perfect balance between each other to tread along consistently. You exemplify the perfect couple with your keen understanding of each other, your open communication, and your loyalty that has created a foundation of trust that seems to be irreplaceable.

You have your little boom box playing some of your favourite tunes, a cooler filled with some goodies, a tent for two ready to pitch for when you reach your final destination at the island 5 KM away, a backpack filled with clothes and supplies, and life jackets stuffed somewhere in the back of the canoe. The life jackets aren’t being worn because what could go wrong? You’re with the love of your life, the suns shining bright, the sky is blue, and the island is approaching closer by the minute.

Suddenly, for some unknown reason you realize there is a strange amount of water (jealousy, extreme work hours, work related travels, insecurities) at your feet inside the canoe. You stop paddling and look to find the source of the leak. You head over to the back of the canoe only to find that there’s a punctured hole that’s allowing water to enter at a rate that can be considered to be worthy of panic. You tell your partner that you’re scared. He stops paddling and heads over to the back of the canoe to try to patch it up. He uses whatever he can to fill the gap, but the water is still seeping in and the canoe is filling up with water. You panic! You’re scared! You’re freaking out and he’s telling you to calm down because everything’s going to be OK. You grab the paddle and start paddling as fast and as hard as you can. Your partner is still in the back frantically trying to patch the hole while you are guiding the canoe in slow 360-degree circles from paddling on one side of it. You tell your partner to leave the hole and help paddle so you can get to the island quicker. You both start paddling furiously out of fear and disbelief that this is actually happening to your “relation-ship”.

This “relation-ship” (canoe) that was filled with seemingly perfect balance and joyful optimism is now sinking and you can’t seem to find common ground to keep it afloat. All you can do is fight desperately to make it to the island alive before the canoe sinks. You then realize that you won’t have a way back to the mainland if this canoe sinks and that’s when things become extreme. Your doubt in the sustainability of the “relation-ship” causes you to overreact and cast blame on your partner for not checking the canoe prior to putting it in the water. While you bicker and bitch at him for putting you in this terrible position, he reacts by screaming back at you and calling you names; his defense mechanism to make him feel better about himself and the role he’s playing as the one being blamed for something that should have equal responsibility.

Sadly, the water engulfs the inside of the “relation-ship” (canoe) and eventually sinks, leaving the couple in life jackets floating alone in the lake waiting for help to hopefully arrive. (counseling, time apart, forgive & forget)

Moral of the Story

If the woman in the story had realized that putting blame on her partner and accusing him of putting them in that difficult situation was irresponsible on her part, she could have avoided all the panic and stress, and focused on working together to find a solution to the challenges they faced. She didn’t have the “10%”. When it was time to be independent and responsible for her own contribution to the relationship, she failed at contributing the necessary elements that could have motivated her partner to create an alternate solution that could have kept them both afloat. When she chastised him, he gave up on himself and ultimately the relationship. All it takes is one fight, one argument, one moment of despair within your relationship to throw things off balance and leave things in jeopardy.

Love yourself first. Be emotionally and spiritually prepared to heal your wounds by acknowledging that if things do not work out between you and your significant other, you have enough self-consciousness and self-love to help you carry on in life. The “10%” could be your savior.

Marcos Mendosa is a creative source of inspiration well equipped to contribute his various talents to the current wave of conscious self-development that has swept through modern day culture.  He has been known for his skills as a Public Speaker that fuses Music with Motivational Speaking at his acclaimed “Performance Seminars”.  As a Certified Life Coach, Relationship Coach, Writer, Author, and Lyricist, Marcos has used various forms of expression to help guide people to reach their Maximum Potential, by realizing the power that lies within recognizing the qualities that can lead a person to become the better version of themselves.  Through the brand “YourBestSelf”, Marcos Mendosa has created various programs such as YourBSFM, YourBSTV, and MaxPo Inc – a self-development seminar and workshop program developed to help the youth realize their potential.  Marcos currently resides in Toronto, Canada.